IASguide

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting. Mark Twain I have nothing to declare except my genius. Oscar Wilde I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. Winston Churchill I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27. Clement Atlee I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one. Mae West I like children - fried. W.C. Fields I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming. Homer Simpson I love being married. It's so greatto find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest ofyour life. Rita Rudner I love everything about you. Your lips, your eyes, your voice. The only thing I can't stand is you. Groucho Marx I love mankind. It's people I can't stand. Charles M Schultz I never drink water, fish fuck in it. W.C. Fields I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx I never loved another person the way I loved myself. Mae West I never met a kid I liked. W.C. Fields I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed. Oscar Wilde I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall. Eleanor Roosevelt I once sent a dozen of my friendsa telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately. Mark Twain I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over. Woody Allen I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it. Woody Allen I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. Woody Allen I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work. David Brent I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Woody Allen I used to be Snow White…but I drifted. Mae West I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here. Homer Simpson I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury. George Burns I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry aGentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday. Woody Allen I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. Woody Allen I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. Woody Allen I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. George Burns If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried. David Brent If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields If it sells, it's art. Frank Lloyd If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen If only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once, anything, one sentence,two words. If He would just cough. Woody Allen If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Homer Simpson If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. David Brent If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation. David Brent If you pick up a starving dog andmake him prosperous, he will notbite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark TwainChildren really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off. Ralph Bus Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. Will Rogers Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. Spike Milligan Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done,they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. Brendan Behan Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire. George Bernard Shaw Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. Will Rogers Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house. Henny Youngman Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. Woody Allen Don't have a cow, man. Bart Simpson Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. Mae West Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. Groucho Marx Don't marry a man to reform him- that's what reform schools are for. Mae West Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. Winston Churchill The key is not to think of death as an end. But think of it more asa very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. Woody Allen Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender. Homer Simpson Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? Homer Simpson Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland - rich and thick. Samuel Beckett Duct tape is like the force. It has alight side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Carl Zwanzig Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. John Benfield Eat my shorts. Bart Simpson English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England! Homer Simpson Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye. George S. Kaufman Eternity is really long, especially near the end. Woody Allen Even if you are on the right track,you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers Every man over forty is a scoundrel. George Bernard Shaw Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Charles D. Warner Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Will Rogers Experience is the name every onegives to their mistakes. Oscar Wilde First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging. Denis Healey Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys. Oscar Wilde For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or geta divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks,but a divorce is something you always have. Woody Allen Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I wasconvulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Groucho Marx Give a man a free hand and he'll try to put it all over you. Mae West Give me chastity and continence, but not yet! Saint Augustine Giving up smoking is easy. I've done it hundreds of times. Author Unknown Often erroneously attributed to Mark Twain. Good girls go to heaven, bad girlsgo everywhere. Mae West Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Will Rogers 'Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!' 'Goodness had nothing to do with it'. Mae WestA banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun isshining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Emo Philips A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'. Woody Allen A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. Ronald Knox A hard man is good to find. Mae West A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him. Mae West A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor A man in the house is worth two in the street. Mae West A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on. Sam Goldwyn A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. W.C. Fields A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke. Rudyard Kipling Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. David Brent Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will. Homer Simpson Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. Mylove for you will never die. Homer Simpson All animals are equal but some are more equal than others. George Orwell All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening. Alexander Woollcott All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. Noman does. That's his. Oscar Wilde All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Mark Twain Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. Winston Churchill Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest. Mark Twain Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. Mae West Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. Woody Allen Another such victory, and we are undone. Pyrrhus Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. Mae West As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs. Oliver Goldsmith Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them. David Brent Bart, stop pestering Satan! Marge Simpson Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love! Homer Simpson Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd comein and sink my boats. Woody Allen Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain Beer is living proof that God lovesus and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female. Desmond Morris But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth. George Bernard Shaw By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if youget a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

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